Hazel was enjoying my belly way too much and was in no hurry to come into this world on her due date. Keegan and I saw Dr Beta on Monday 4 June for a progress check. Hazel still hadn't dropped into the pelvis and was still in the posterior position. Dr Beta performed a membrane sweep and stretched my cervix from 1cm to 2cm dilation and warned that this could bring on my labour over night - as I was 4 days over we organised with our midwife to be induced the following day {5 June} if nothing happened overnight from the membrane sweep.
After we left the Drs that Monday morning we were excited that we would be having our baby as soon as the next day, it was a surreal feeling because we knew when and where it was going to happen. Going into labour naturally you have the surprise element and don't have that time to process everything in your head. I know for me all that Monday that was all I could think about, what was going to happen, if I was going to be able to do this, what she was going to look like - I was anxious and excited all at the same time and that night of course I wasn't able to sleep, even though I new that this was the last decent nights sleep I was going to ever get for a very long time!
We checked into the labour ward at 9:30am on Tuesday morning. Dianne our midwife met us there and took us to the space I would call home for the next few days. She started off the inducement with some gel and Keegan and I just had to wait to see what it would do, Dianne was going to come back at 3pm and check the progress. Keegan and I just walked about, had lunch and waited and waited for 3pm to come along. When Dianne did her 3pm check she broke my waters and that's when all the fun or should I say pain began.
We moved into the labour room a
bit before 5pm and settled in - we were the only one having a baby that night
so we got the pick of room we wanted. 5pm came along and my contractions were
starting to come and go regularly and they weren't too painful, I remember
thinking if this is all it is I'm going to be fine (how delusional was I). By
6pm the contractions were starting to get really painful and not much space in
between them. Dianne came in and checked on us and did an examination and said
I was now 4cm dilated and I was right to get into the bath if I wanted to. I
had discussed with Dianne about having a water birth or just some of my labour
in the bath so I was happy I was able to get in there and float about. I
started on the gas and I wasn't quite sure if it was working or I was doing it
right, once I got the hang of it though my head started spinning and it did
make me spew up. It was the weirdest feeling it was like being drunk but as soon
as you stoped breathing it in you were instantly back to normal. I took the gas
with me to the bath and I think I had it more for a distraction then anything
else, it kept my mind on my breathing while the contractions came and went. I
remember asking Dianne when she thought I would have this baby and she said in
the wee hours of the next morning - at 6pm that felt like an eternity away!
7pm rolled on by and the pain went up another notch I was now starting to think holy crap what have I got myself into. I didn't want to have any drugs but my mind was starting to tick thinking if I was going to have this baby early morning that I will have 5 or more hours of this pain and worse to come. I was still using the gas and at each contraction I went into a little trance while it was there then once it was over I was able to speak again - the only problem is that the contractions got longer and the rests got shorter and the pain was getting more intense. Just a bit before 8pm I started to get the sooks on saying I couldn't do this and I wanted an epidural.....now (out the window went my natural birth I thought). There was no way that I could handle this pain any longer knowing I had hours of this still ahead of me. Dianne got me out of the bath at 8pm to check to see how far along I was and told me she thought I could be about 6cm.... Only 6cm I thought in my mind - I am definitely getting the epidural!
Once out of the water my
contractions were way more intense and painful and all I wanted to do was hop
back into that bath and stay there. Dianne checked me and said that I was 9cm
dilated and Hazel had dropped into the pelvis facing the right way and if I felt like
pushing I could...and it was too late for that epidural! I was excited,
actually I think I was more relieved that I was further along then Dianne
thought originally because it meant I was that bit closer to the end result. I
hoped back into the bath as it was way more comfortable in there then on the
bed and when each contraction came I started doing some pushing. Dianne then
gave me the best news that she thought this baby would be out before 10pm! That
was news to my ears because now I had a more manageable time frame - 2 hours I
could deal with, and from 8pm time seemed to speed up.
It was a weird pain now that I
was pushing it was more enjoyable (if that's possible) then just the
contractions I was having before I was fully dilated. Each contraction came and
to me the pain was more dull then the earlier stages of labour with little
discomfort in between contractions. I also had a goal in my head to have this
baby out before 10pm. The timed seemed to fly by and don't get me wrong it hurt
like hell but as each contraction came and went I was that little bit closer to
it all being over. It got to the stage where Keegan told me he could see the
top of the head and her hair I was so excited! She was actually coming out! He
took a photo to show me - in my head I was thinking that if he can see the head
and hair that she must be nearly out, but no this photo he took and showed me
was of this little patch of hair with a hole no bigger then a 20c piece - that
wasn't the image I had in my head. From then on the contraction came and Dianne
told me to put more effort into my pushing, I thought I was doing a marvellous
job so far but with the next contraction I pushed as hard as I've ever had and
I could actually feel Hazel moving more and more out. Keegan said he didn't
know how the tap head didn't get pulled off the wall each time I pushed but I had
one hand on that and the other underneath me and when I pushed I pushed on that
tap head with one hand with all my strength and it seemed to be working, I was
progressing well!
When she got so close to popping
her little head out I could feel it going back and forth, I just needed one big
mighty push just to get that head out and I was home free. I remember the
burning feeling and that's when I did let a little sound come out (I surprised
myself so far how calm and quiet I was, I didn't know if I was going to go all Amazon
woman on Keegan and scream the hospital down but I didn't, I found the
quietness calm and somehow soothing I just went into my happy place when the contractions
were happening). Out she came her little head popped out and instantly most of
the pain went away. I was almost there I thought this next part was going to be
easy and quick! It took a couple more contractions to get her body out and I
remember telling Dianne just pull her out!! It was starting to sting and hurt!
Dianne helped her out on the last contraction and out she came and straight up
on my chest.
At this stage I thought I would
be a blabbering mess - all those nights I thought about this moment I was sure
I would cry considering I could cry at the drop of a hat, but I didn't there
was no strong emotion that came out, I was glad it was all over and that she
was finally here but there was no instant love or bond that I thought I should
have - I new that I loved her but it wasn't in the way I imaged it to feel like.
I was shaking, tired and cold. When I was looking at her I did think she was
perfect, everything about her was perfect, she was healthy seemed to be happy
and alive - my goal had been completed! I held onto her what only felt like
moments while I waited to pass the placenta and then for the cord cutting which
Keegan did. Before he cut the cord we both had a feel of the cord and could
feel her heart beating through it, it was amazing.
We moved onto the bed where the
Dr assessed me to see if I needed stitches etc and unfortunately I tore quite
badly (3rd degree) and that meant that I had to go into theatre to be stitched
up. After having such a quick birth with no drugs I was so disappointed, upset
and angry with myself that after all that I had to have a spinal block, leave
Hazel and Keegan and go into theatre. In my mind everything happened so quickly
from then on, where in fact I didn't go into theatre until nearly midnight. The
theatre staff were called and the anaesthetist came in and saw me, I had forms
to sign and the procedure explained to me, I said my good byes to my new little
family and off I went leaving Keegan with Hazel.
The theatre staff were so nice and I did try and persuade Dr Beta for a tummy tuck at the same time to no avail, I was in there for what felt like an eternity, I was thinking this is what it would feel like to have a c-section, all bright and clinical and I'm glad now that wasn't the way Hazel had to enter this world. I was finally rolled back into the maternity ward a bit before 2am cold and tired, Keegan brought Hazel in and stayed with me for a little while just trying to soak in everything that had happened. At this stage I hadn't really had the chance to process everything and study Hazel, we just looked at her and I could have looked at her all morning long - she looked so peaceful.
I was numb from the waist down
and had no idea what sort of pain I was going to be in once the spinal tap wore
off and had no idea what to do if Hazel woke up - I couldn't move, so I was
upset that Keegan had to leave - I was totally clueless, last time I saw Hazel
she was naked in my arms, now she was all dressed, wrapped and sleeping and I
missed doing all of that, what if she needed her nappy changed, what if she
cried, how do I know if she is hungry?? I just hoped that she wouldn't wake
till morning until Keegan arrived back.
The next morning Keegan arrived
back at hospital nice and early and I was able to get up and finally have a
shower and feel human again I wasn’t able to have a shower after giving birth so
I felt like I still had all the gunk on me from the night before. I was surprised
how well I felt considering everything and was happy that I felt this good. Today
everything was soaking in that I had a baby and she was mine forever. We stayed
in hospital for 5 days and over the days I was overwhelmed with everything I
needed to know – unfortunately babies don’t come with instruction manuals and most
of the time there is no right or wrong answer so Keegan and I pretty much were the
blind leading the blind when Hazel cried – I was totally clueless as to what to
do, somehow we managed through it all and were allowed to go home on the
Sunday.
I still do feel clueless
sometimes as to what Hazel wants but each and every day gets a little bit
better as we both get the hang of me being a mum and Hazel being out in this
world – we are working it out and I know I will look back on these early days
and laugh at how clueless and insecure I felt as a parent. I never thought that this was how
the birth of Hazel was going to go, I had pictured that Hazel would arrive into
this world before her due date with a nice quick easy drug free labour. My plan
wasn’t to go past 40 weeks and be induced, I hadn’t let that thought enter my
mind stupidly. I am disappointed that I didn’t get the surprise of going into
labour naturally and that I tore so badly having her, but at the end of the day
I got a happy healthy 8 pound 4 ounce beautiful baby girl to show for all my
efforts and compared to other peoples labour stories mine doesn’t seem that bad
in the scheme of things. Every labour is different and maybe I might get my
perfectly imagined labour next time around.
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