Picture Perfect

They say a picture paints a thousand words, but I only need one....perfect

Thank you to Megan Bourne Photography for these lovely images of our beautiful baby girl Hazel.

With so many beautiful photos {and more that I didn't load} I now have the hard task of deciding which ones to frame!

A month of Hazel

How can this be possible? Hazel a month old already?!

The last 30 days have seemed to come and go so quickly that I feel I must have missed a couple of weeks somewhere along the way. I think I have experienced every single emotion over the weeks from highest of highs to lowest of lows.

Life before Hazel seems a distant memory each and every day as she gets older I love her even more. I thought I was prepared to have a baby, people say your life changes but to me that last part never really sunk in….how could life change that much? I don’t think anyone can really be prepared for how much time and attention a baby needs, once again in my delusional mind all I thought a newborn baby would do is sleep the majority of the time only waking occasionally to feed and to be changed – yes you can laugh, I have since had a reality check

Bringing Hazel home was a weird feeling, bringing her inside our home was an even weirder feeling, she was asleep in her capsule – so what were we meant to do with her now? Do we leave her in the capsule and where do we put the capsule? We settled for the dinning room table and proceeded to check on her every minute just to make sure she was ok and we waited for her to wake.

The first couple of weeks were a major adjustment to me, no longer were my needs and wants a priority I now had to put the needs and wants of Hazels before mine for me this was tough, I felt like I no longer existed, when was it my time?? I was just the milk machine and if I wasn’t feeding her she was crying, I didn’t think I was cut out to be a parent - some people just have that maternal instinct and I was yet to find mine. I didn’t like being a parent at all, the thought of her waking up use to make me cringe because she would cry and I had no idea what she wanted, I was struggling with breastfeeding - I had the milk, she had no problem attaching and sucking I just couldn’t handle not knowing how much milk she was getting –was that why she was crying because she wasn’t getting enough milk? I also didn’t enjoy breastfeeding and the time it took up, I didn’t like sitting there for what felt like hours on end. Bottle feeding seemed to be the answer for me so I could control something and be sure that she wasn’t hungry and make the feeding process quicker that also meant Keegan could help with the feeding and Hazel didn’t need to be attached to me 24/7. I started to express and bottle feed her what I had and top up with what ever I was missing. A midwife came and checked on me at home and I told her my concerns about the feeding and she told me to have another go now that Hazel was a bit older. I started fully breastfeeding Hazel again and everything seemed to be going ok, I still expressed some milk to keep as back up in case I was out and didn’t want to feed in public or just wanted a rest from her on the boob. Everything was going fine until she was about 3 weeks old and she was really hard to settle I couldn’t get her to sleep or sleep for a long period of time during the day the thoughts that maybe my breast milk wasn’t cutting it again crept into my mind. I fed her by the bottle and she scoffed the 60ml up easily and wanted more. No longer was she drinking 60ml per feed now she wanted the 120ml and more. To ease my mind that Hazel is getting enough milk I now feed her with a mixture of both breastfeeding and bottle feeding. Breastfeeding solely wasn’t for me. I like to know how much she is consuming but I also didn’t want to express to feed her everyday. I feed her by the bottle before she has her big sleeps and by the breast when she is snacking during the day and this seems to be working for us. Keegan is able to help out when he comes home and usually feeds her the last bottle before bed and this gives him some time with Hazel.

One area we are really lucky with is Hazel sleeping at night. I only need to get up once during the night as Hazel has always seemed to sleep 6 or more hours in a row. We tend to put her to bed at 9:30pm and she generally wakes up around 4am. Occasionally early on she might of woken up at 3am but more often then not now it is closer to 5am. I feel so lucky that I am able to get a decent chunk of sleep at night, I could only imagine how crazy I would be if I was also sleep deprived. With the good sleeping at night comes with a downside – Hazel is a bit scatty sleeping during the day. She is currently going through a phase (well I hope it is a phase) where she wont sleep in the cot during the day, put her in the pram and go for a walk or go somewhere in the car and bam she is sound asleep. I was getting a bit worried about this because I didn’t want to start a bad habit of her only being able to sleep in her capsule, but each day I work on her going to sleep in her cot and today I succeeded for 2 whole hours. I’ve given up on trying to work Hazel out – the one minute I think I know what’s going on then she changes the story but I have worked out that babies do as they please like this phase she is going through only sleeping in the capsule will go as quickly as it came (I hope) for the most part she is a good little sleeper and are very fortunate of that.

My days seem to go so quickly now, I hardly have time to do the most simplest of things like hang washing out or have a shower, every job I do has to be carefully calculated around Hazel's eating and sleeping schedule, sometimes having lunch seems like an impossible feat. I now wonder what did I ever do with all my time before Hazel! The one good thing is now I can do everything twice as quick and most things one handed, I'm sure these new skills will come in very handy during the rest of my life.

I’m not ashamed to admit that early on there where days that I just cried my eyes out for no reason at all or over the most stupid of things, I constantly doubted myself as a parent and my capabilities of looking after a baby, there where even times when I wished I never had a baby but as each day comes and goes I settle into the role of being a mum, each day gets easier and I’m at the point now where I think I know what I am doing and beginning to enjoy Hazel as a baby. She seems to be growing before my eyes, I don’t think she looks like a little newborn baby anymore she is so alert and bright eyed she loves looking at the world. I love waking up in the mornings getting little smiles out of her on her cheeky face, she looks at me in the eyes like she knows who I am and enjoys just cuddling. Hazel seems to be a happy and content baby and I’ve grown to be a happy and content mum. My maternal instincts are finally kicking in and I couldn’t imagine doing anything else now.

Hazels Space

Keegan and I found out that we were having a girl when we went for our structural scan just after Christmas. Originally I didn’t want to know the sex of our child and Keegan did - I wanted to have the surprise after all the hard work of labour BUT as the days got closer to our scan and the possibility of the sex being revealed my mind started ticking with everything I could organise prior to the birth! I could buy gender specific clothes, the nursery didn’t have to be a boring neutral colour looking neither boy or girlish that I would surely change as soon as the baby was born and we could focus on picking the perfect name. The only condition Keegan and I had on finding out the sex is that no one could know we knew…..and that was the biggest secret I had ever had to keep in my whole life – some days if felt like torture lying to people and some days it was quite amusing. I think we succeeded in the secret being kept, for the most part everyone was quite oblivious to it all.

I loved knowing that there was a little girl growing inside me I was able to think of her as a “her” not as an “it” and that it was our little secret. As much as I loved our special little secret I loved decorating her room! Originally I was going for a woodland theme but I think that idea fell off the tracks slightly, but I love going into her room it makes me so happy and cheery.

The Birth of Hazel Florence Wells

Hazel Florence Wells was born on 5 June 2012 at 9.21pm at the North West Private Hospital in Burnie.

Hazel was enjoying my belly way too much and was in no hurry to come into this world on her due date. Keegan and I saw Dr Beta on Monday 4 June for a progress check. Hazel still hadn't dropped into the pelvis and was still in the posterior position. Dr Beta performed a membrane sweep and stretched my cervix from 1cm to 2cm dilation and warned that this could bring on my labour over night - as I was 4 days over we organised with our midwife to be induced the following day {5 June} if nothing happened overnight from the membrane sweep.

After we left the Drs that Monday morning we were excited that we would be having our baby as soon as the next day, it was a surreal feeling because we knew when and where it was going to happen. Going into labour naturally you have the surprise element and don't have that time to process everything in your head. I know for me all that Monday that was all I could think about, what was going to happen, if I was going to be able to do this, what she was going to look like - I was anxious and excited all at the same time and that night of course I wasn't able to sleep, even though I new that this was the last decent nights sleep I was going to ever get for a very long time!

We checked into the labour ward at 9:30am on Tuesday morning. Dianne our midwife met us there and took us to the space I would call home for the next few days. She started off the inducement with some gel and Keegan and I just had to wait to see what it would do, Dianne was going to come back at 3pm and check the progress. Keegan and I just walked about, had lunch and waited and waited for 3pm to come along. When Dianne did her 3pm check she broke my waters and that's when all the fun or should I say pain began.

We moved into the labour room a bit before 5pm and settled in - we were the only one having a baby that night so we got the pick of room we wanted. 5pm came along and my contractions were starting to come and go regularly and they weren't too painful, I remember thinking if this is all it is I'm going to be fine (how delusional was I). By 6pm the contractions were starting to get really painful and not much space in between them. Dianne came in and checked on us and did an examination and said I was now 4cm dilated and I was right to get into the bath if I wanted to. I had discussed with Dianne about having a water birth or just some of my labour in the bath so I was happy I was able to get in there and float about. I started on the gas and I wasn't quite sure if it was working or I was doing it right, once I got the hang of it though my head started spinning and it did make me spew up. It was the weirdest feeling it was like being drunk but as soon as you stoped breathing it in you were instantly back to normal. I took the gas with me to the bath and I think I had it more for a distraction then anything else, it kept my mind on my breathing while the contractions came and went. I remember asking Dianne when she thought I would have this baby and she said in the wee hours of the next morning - at 6pm that felt like an eternity away!

7pm rolled on by and the pain went up another notch I was now starting to think holy crap what have I got myself into. I didn't want to have any drugs but my mind was starting to tick thinking if I was going to have this baby early morning that I will have 5 or more hours of this pain and worse to come. I was still using the gas and at each contraction I went into a little trance while it was there then once it was over I was able to speak again - the only problem is that the contractions got longer and the rests got shorter and the pain was getting more intense. Just a bit before 8pm I started to get the sooks on saying I couldn't do this and I wanted an epidural.....now (out the window went my natural birth I thought). There was no way that I could handle this pain any longer knowing I had hours of this still ahead of me. Dianne got me out of the bath at 8pm to check to see how far along I was and told me she thought I could be about 6cm.... Only 6cm I thought in my mind - I am definitely getting the epidural!

Once out of the water my contractions were way more intense and painful and all I wanted to do was hop back into that bath and stay there. Dianne checked me and said that I was 9cm dilated and Hazel had dropped into the pelvis facing the right way and if I felt like pushing I could...and it was too late for that epidural! I was excited, actually I think I was more relieved that I was further along then Dianne thought originally because it meant I was that bit closer to the end result. I hoped back into the bath as it was way more comfortable in there then on the bed and when each contraction came I started doing some pushing. Dianne then gave me the best news that she thought this baby would be out before 10pm! That was news to my ears because now I had a more manageable time frame - 2 hours I could deal with, and from 8pm time seemed to speed up.

It was a weird pain now that I was pushing it was more enjoyable (if that's possible) then just the contractions I was having before I was fully dilated. Each contraction came and to me the pain was more dull then the earlier stages of labour with little discomfort in between contractions. I also had a goal in my head to have this baby out before 10pm. The timed seemed to fly by and don't get me wrong it hurt like hell but as each contraction came and went I was that little bit closer to it all being over. It got to the stage where Keegan told me he could see the top of the head and her hair I was so excited! She was actually coming out! He took a photo to show me - in my head I was thinking that if he can see the head and hair that she must be nearly out, but no this photo he took and showed me was of this little patch of hair with a hole no bigger then a 20c piece - that wasn't the image I had in my head. From then on the contraction came and Dianne told me to put more effort into my pushing, I thought I was doing a marvellous job so far but with the next contraction I pushed as hard as I've ever had and I could actually feel Hazel moving more and more out. Keegan said he didn't know how the tap head didn't get pulled off the wall each time I pushed but I had one hand on that and the other underneath me and when I pushed I pushed on that tap head with one hand with all my strength and it seemed to be working, I was progressing well!

When she got so close to popping her little head out I could feel it going back and forth, I just needed one big mighty push just to get that head out and I was home free. I remember the burning feeling and that's when I did let a little sound come out (I surprised myself so far how calm and quiet I was, I didn't know if I was going to go all Amazon woman on Keegan and scream the hospital down but I didn't, I found the quietness calm and somehow soothing I just went into my happy place when the contractions were happening). Out she came her little head popped out and instantly most of the pain went away. I was almost there I thought this next part was going to be easy and quick! It took a couple more contractions to get her body out and I remember telling Dianne just pull her out!! It was starting to sting and hurt! Dianne helped her out on the last contraction and out she came and straight up on my chest.

At this stage I thought I would be a blabbering mess - all those nights I thought about this moment I was sure I would cry considering I could cry at the drop of a hat, but I didn't there was no strong emotion that came out, I was glad it was all over and that she was finally here but there was no instant love or bond that I thought I should have - I new that I loved her but it wasn't in the way I imaged it to feel like. I was shaking, tired and cold. When I was looking at her I did think she was perfect, everything about her was perfect, she was healthy seemed to be happy and alive - my goal had been completed! I held onto her what only felt like moments while I waited to pass the placenta and then for the cord cutting which Keegan did. Before he cut the cord we both had a feel of the cord and could feel her heart beating through it, it was amazing.

We moved onto the bed where the Dr assessed me to see if I needed stitches etc and unfortunately I tore quite badly (3rd degree) and that meant that I had to go into theatre to be stitched up. After having such a quick birth with no drugs I was so disappointed, upset and angry with myself that after all that I had to have a spinal block, leave Hazel and Keegan and go into theatre. In my mind everything happened so quickly from then on, where in fact I didn't go into theatre until nearly midnight. The theatre staff were called and the anaesthetist came in and saw me, I had forms to sign and the procedure explained to me, I said my good byes to my new little family and off I went leaving Keegan with Hazel.

The theatre staff were so nice and I did try and persuade Dr Beta for a tummy tuck at the same time to no avail, I was in there for what felt like an eternity, I was thinking this is what it would feel like to have a c-section, all bright and clinical and I'm glad now that wasn't the way Hazel had to enter this world. I was finally rolled back into the maternity ward a bit before 2am cold and tired, Keegan brought Hazel in and stayed with me for a little while just trying to soak in everything that had happened. At this stage I hadn't really had the chance to process everything and study Hazel, we just looked at her and I could have looked at her all morning long - she looked so peaceful.

I was numb from the waist down and had no idea what sort of pain I was going to be in once the spinal tap wore off and had no idea what to do if Hazel woke up - I couldn't move, so I was upset that Keegan had to leave - I was totally clueless, last time I saw Hazel she was naked in my arms, now she was all dressed, wrapped and sleeping and I missed doing all of that, what if she needed her nappy changed, what if she cried, how do I know if she is hungry?? I just hoped that she wouldn't wake till morning until Keegan arrived back.

The next morning Keegan arrived back at hospital nice and early and I was able to get up and finally have a shower and feel human again I wasn’t able to have a shower after giving birth so I felt like I still had all the gunk on me from the night before. I was surprised how well I felt considering everything and was happy that I felt this good. Today everything was soaking in that I had a baby and she was mine forever. We stayed in hospital for 5 days and over the days I was overwhelmed with everything I needed to know – unfortunately babies don’t come with instruction manuals and most of the time there is no right or wrong answer so Keegan and I pretty much were the blind leading the blind when Hazel cried – I was totally clueless as to what to do, somehow we managed through it all and were allowed to go home on the Sunday.

I still do feel clueless sometimes as to what Hazel wants but each and every day gets a little bit better as we both get the hang of me being a mum and Hazel being out in this world – we are working it out and I know I will look back on these early days and laugh at how clueless and insecure I felt as a parent. I never thought that this was how the birth of Hazel was going to go, I had pictured that Hazel would arrive into this world before her due date with a nice quick easy drug free labour. My plan wasn’t to go past 40 weeks and be induced, I hadn’t let that thought enter my mind stupidly. I am disappointed that I didn’t get the surprise of going into labour naturally and that I tore so badly having her, but at the end of the day I got a happy healthy 8 pound 4 ounce beautiful baby girl to show for all my efforts and compared to other peoples labour stories mine doesn’t seem that bad in the scheme of things. Every labour is different and maybe I might get my perfectly imagined labour next time around.